@OctopusCaveman: I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.
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@CantWaitToNap: When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he's not inviting you for a three-way... I know this now.
@jpeek01: Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand Her: oh. You're left-handed too *I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs
@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers HER: Oh thanks. That's very sweet JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
@mattZillaaaa: People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I'm going to answer