@OctopusCaveman: I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.
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@katbento: Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented? What are our scientists doing?
@brycetache: Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads. His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
@NicestHippo: [doctor gets job as 911 operator] "What's your emergency?" MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE "Hmm ok let's wait a few weeks and see how it is then"