philosophical skeletons be like
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“A little help here, Danny?”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?