I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Personal question. #JustSaying
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
we all know this pain all too well
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.