@michaeljhudson: "I want a lady in a sheet and a creak in the bed" -haunted house designer
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@juliussharpe: Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".
@LindaInDisguise: I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS