I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My good tweets are in my other pants.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
The 6 types of sex
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Planet of the Apps.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.