I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)