I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?