@DancesWithTamis: I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck
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@internetluke: [Seahawks locker room] Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score! Wilson: well put! Well put!
@capricecrane: What they say: "Wow, you're really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
@rickkondell: Things that don't kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
@rickolantern: Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that's still in your mouth, You're going as a pirate for Halloween.