My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.