Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When they try to steal your moment.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
sleeping beauty
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.