You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
You Might Also Like
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.