I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
You Might Also Like
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.