@funnyoneliners: I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.
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@roostermustache: Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel Cop: ya so what Me: so it's a nickel-less cage Cop:*macing me* son of a
@IvyelleWright: Him: "I killed the spider for you. He suffered." Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) "Splendid."
@NikiWithIssues: I have to stop saying "Because I'm Batman" all the time. It's not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I'm Batman.
@HeyZeus666: I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.