Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.