Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Spotted in New Orleans.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*