I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.