my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
You Might Also Like
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Not recommended for beginners.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll