I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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You know I’m something of a chef myself
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good