I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.