“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
You Might Also Like
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Mad Max: Furry Road
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.