Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*