@d_haggar: I want this election to be over so badly you'd think it was a friend's play.
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@TySmithdrums: Thousands of religions and you're damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,"So! What religion are you in for?"
@dinokitten: [at Chinese restaurant] "Hi I'll have a large goingon" -What is goingon? "Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food"
@WilliamAder: I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*