I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
You Might Also Like
aaaaartichokes. you鈥檙e welcome.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don鈥檛 want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
There鈥檚 so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
It鈥檚 so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it鈥檚 memories
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don鈥檛 know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t鈥檚 started hurting.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The happy life.. 馃槉
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me when I鈥檓 high: I鈥檒l take seven burritos.
Me when I鈥檓 not high: I鈥檒l take seven burritos.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I鈥檓 on the phone.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”