I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*