We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.