I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.