I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
You Might Also Like
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.