@Brianhopecomedy: I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.
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@_davidlucas_: The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
@SteveKoehler22: The pizza theorem: "Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut into triangles and put into square boxes" -Science
@PostCultRev: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don't even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "What's your greatest accomplishment?" Me: "I was in a lot of people's MySpace Top 8s back in 2004."