I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
You Might Also Like
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
britain’s three elite institutions
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
this isn’t threatening at all
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.