[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends