@Caissie: I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, "Guacamole is NO OBJECT!"
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@k_lli: If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god.
@sara_ashlynn: My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.
@illiter8too: ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn't tethered; that pug's not leashed. HOST: Ma'am, that's a toddler.
@Rollinintheseat: AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.