I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
S M O L
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight