[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.