I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.