I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!