I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
describing stardew valley
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive