I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
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Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
.. do you even science?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so