I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over