I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Trying
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic