Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?