When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest