@DepecheALAmode: I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it's a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.
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@MyHairyLife: Male seahorses get pregnant. In related news, scientists believe men who tell women what to with their bodies come back as seahorses.
@PaperWash: "I bought a new car!" Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay? "Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"
@david8hughes: [at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There's your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
@panmidwest: [First Date] HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist? ME: Oh I'm not feminist at all! HER: ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.