If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
You Might Also Like
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I have obtained a hat
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?