Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
You Might Also Like
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“We will wed,” I threatened
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube