@johncheese: I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, "Get dressed and grab your gun -- they found him."
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@WilliamAder: When your pet is staring at you, it's probably thinking "I wonder how long those things live."
@Donna_McCoy: Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.