@johncheese: I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, "Get dressed and grab your gun -- they found him."
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@BridgetPhetasy: In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.
@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@LuvPug: Waiter: Can I get you something to drink? Me: just cheese dip Waiter: .... Me: With a straw please