@johncheese: I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, "Get dressed and grab your gun -- they found him."
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@jakob_huber: "Still upset about earlier?" Yeah "So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal" I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
@MsLadyLuvBug: It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.
@RalphSudafed: My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was "well I have known chicken longer..."
@onion_an: Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?