Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.