THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I can’t stop laughing at this
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.