It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder