Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?