I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
At least try to make it slightly believable
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7