I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”