I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
when nothing goes right… go left
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.