I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
i was baptized in a car wash
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol