My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.