I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.