“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
You Might Also Like
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
i was baptized in a car wash
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious